ashley demon/ 365

Breathe

Obtained my copy of City of Lost Souls. Practicing my deep yoga breathing and calming my mind with a good book. Trying to get back into familiar habits to cheer myself up. I’ve been in a fog for far too long. Might do some watercolor painting later. I’ve missed it, and my fingers are itching to use my prismacolors…

On Ana

Judging by my last pic, you wouldn’t believe it, but I think I have anorexic tendencies. I never eat more than 1000 calories a day, and even then I’m just kind of picking at food. I often eat slowly and let my food get cold and then I don’t want to eat it. I eat a lot of munchy foods like apples, pretzels, cheese…but I don’t really eat a substantial meal until dinner. But I never punish myself or won’t eat something just because I want to be skinny. I very often eat chocolate, mac and cheese, pizza, tacos, and other bad foods.

I just keep thinking back to the last time I was really getting into fitness (spring 2009) and how crazy that was. I lost something like 8 lbs in 2 weeks and like 20 lbs in 3 months. I ran 5 days a week and did lots of strength training. Once I started seeing results, I just kept trying to see how far I could go with it. It wasn’t a poor body image thing. It was like an experiment or something. How far can I push this?

I really liked how I looked then. I felt good about myself. I’m such a small person where 100 lbs doesn’t seem like a crazy low weight to me. That seems about right for someone under 5 feet. But I know that something like 110 would be much healthier. My doctor told me that during the time I was 108 lbs, I was far too skinny. I dunno. It wasn’t like my bones were poking out or anything.

I eat when I’m hungry, which isn’t all that often. I am just really unsure if I’m demonstrating unhealthy behavior, of if this is all just normal.

My folks

This is a quick thing, but I just wanted to post this funny story about my folks. Now, my parents got together and had me at a very young age and have kinda been “love the way you lie” all my life. They either fucking hate each other or are crazy about each other. But I think my all-time favorite parents story is this one that happened recently.

Basically, they were at a party, and this guy insulted my mom by telling her she looked trashy and she started tearing him a new one, and the guy goes, “get the fuck out of here! who do you belong to?” (looking for my dad to take her away) and she just goes, “I don’t belong to anyone, motherfucker! But my husband’s over there and he’ll fuck you up.” And my dad fucking grabs this guy by the throat and lifts him off the ground, and makes him apologize to my mom for calling her names. And then I guess they all did shots together and it was cool. WHAT IS MY LIFE?

126.

Hot damn.

After running for one week I lost 4 lbs.

I feel so amazing! I forgot how much I love running. And being out by the harbor, watching boats go by, with my beautiful Chicago skyline in the distance…

The path I run has all these obstacle course/strength tests at certain intervals too, so I get a good amount of crunches, pull-ups, et cetera in as well.

Goal weight by my birthday in April is 120 lbs.

Goal weight by June is 110 lbs, and then I’m stopping. I’ve been thinner than that before but I know what that path is like, and it makes me unhealthy and obsessed and it’s just not good for me. 110 is something I can maintain while not greatly altering my diet or killing myself in runs. Working out is great for catharsis and all, but I don’t want to get to a point where I feel guilty or whatever if I skip a workout.

Feeling proud and ready to hit the trail again tomorrow!

30DS Level 2 Progress

So I’ve been back on 30 Day Shred. Completed Level 1 in two weeks, now working on Level 2. Today is my second day and it’s already much easier than last time! Granted, I’m red in the face when I’m done, but I’m kicking ass and really pushing through. Weight has gone up but pants size has dropped; guess all that crap about muscle weighing more than fat really is true. Also I have a tiny but still very real thigh gap! Hello short dresses and thigh highs! And my biceps are freakishly large but it’s cool cuz I feel like a badass. Hoping to start running outside again in March; right now it’s way too cold. Might post some before/after progress pics if anyone wants!

-Ashley

Dear teenage Ashley,

…all your ex-high school boyfriends now work local retail. Look at your life, look at your choices. So glad I left the NL.